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Personal
Responsibility—What Happened?
(941
words)
Ed
Rigsbee, CSP
The
ability to communicate one’s opinion is a right; at least it is in the
USA
. But, what about one’s responsibility to communicate? Unfortunately, it
is not a requirement. I believe every individual has the personal
responsibility to communicate directly, sincerely, and honestly in
situations of conflict. But, today so many want to play it safe and defer
troublesome conflict by using a referee.
Recently,
I read in one of the “Ask” columns published in the Los
Angeles Times. A woman was looking for a neighborly way to resolve her
issue of a neighbor’s cigar smoke floating into her townhouse.
Unfortunately, the guidance the author of this “Ask” column offered
was flawed. The columnist offered some data about the hazards of
second-hand smoke and a recommendation to the woman to ask the cigar
smoker to smoke somewhere, other than the smoker’s own patio. Sure
thing, like that’s going to happen.
Outside
for Solutions
Why
do you suppose this woman needed to consult the “Ask” columnist about
her challenge? Could it be, as John Grey stated in his book, Men
are from Mars and Women are from Venus that women tend to solve
problems by committee and she needed several opinions? Or could it be that
this woman was not confident enough in herself to chat with her neighbor
about the problem? After all, she did ask for a “neighborly”
solution—leading one to believe that she was not an extremist on the
issue. But, why does this woman think she needs a referee to help her?
I
find it both interesting and disturbing that so many people believe they
have to seek outside guidance for simple problems like the above. What
ever happened to sincere communication? When did we quit talking to one
another?
The
other day I heard a Trader Joe’s radio commercial that made a pungent
point. The announcer stated that, unlike their competition, Trader Joe’s
does not have big screen monitors in their stores. Rather, the announcer
stated that one would only find customers engaged in lively conversation
with other customers and crew members at their stores. I thought about
this when I visited my local bank branch later that day as there was a
huge screen with some sort of programming on it. I guess it was to keep me
occupied so I would not talk to other bank customers about how long the
line was and why they did not have more help scheduled for the afternoon?
Talking
is Good
In
contrast to what we all learned in school, talking is good. Listening to
another person’s point of view and experiencing their window on the
world eliminates distrust, misunderstanding, and encourages possibilities.
What happened to sincere communication with others? In the above cigar
smoke challenge, the woman could have acknowledged the cigar smoker’s
right to enjoy a cigar on his own patio while also explaining the
challenge she was having with his smoke ending up in her house. On this
subject, I firmly believe that two people can have a reasonable discussion
leading to resolution.
Since
smoking a cigar is generally a 30-90 minute activity, she could have
nicely asked the cigar smoker to give her a quick shout or phone call
before he lit up so she could close her window until he had finished his
cigar—each compromising a bit and offering the other a concession. Now
how difficult is that? But instead, the “Ask” columnist suggested an
in-your-face un-solution. The columnist’s un-solution will only lead to
escalated conflict. Like the smoker is really going to go somewhere else
and smoke his cigar after his neighbor get’s in his face? Sure, that’s
really going to happen!
Eruption
of Conflict
I
have been a professional speaker and consultant in the area of business
relationships for over two decades and it never ceases to amaze me just
how many problems, in both the workplace and in personal lives, are caused
from poor communication. This ugly problem seems to rear its head at an
ever increasing pace. Workplace communication is frequently misunderstood.
What
does this mean to you? In communicating with others, you have to be clear
on the end result you are seeking. Only then can you make a request of
another. Also, if you want something, you’ve got to ask for it—and not
through a referee. Ask in a way that urges, motivates, and makes the other
person feel good about giving you what you want. The woman that was
seeking to eliminate the cigar smoke in her townhouse could have easily
done this. How much more difficult would it of been for the woman to have
had a conversation with her smoking neighbor, than taking the time to
write to an “Ask” columnist? In the end, she received faulty counsel.
Reluctant
to Communicate
Talk
to one another; take a moment to be courteous and you’ll be amazed with
your results. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out, just a little bit,
by asking questions. Use questions that allow you to take the temperature
of another person’s feelings and attitude. Then utilize the age old
adage; listen twice before speaking once. Ask a question and then be quiet
and listen. Let the other talk. Please do not try to verbally over power
the person to whom you’re speaking—I see this all the time. Rather try
to understand what the other wants and needs. Make an effort to help them
get what they want and they will be more willing to help you in return.
And, please—be careful of receiving advice form newspaper “Ask”
columnists.
Copyright
2010 Ed Rigsbee
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# # # #
As
an internationally recognized speaker on partnering, Ed
Rigsbee has been fumbling, bumbling, and stumbling his way through the
organizational mazes of for-profits and non-profits for over four decades.
For the last two decades, Ed has been an observer, researcher, and
teacher; helping organizations of all sizes to build successful internal
and external collaborative relationships. Ed travels internationally to
deliver keynote presentations and workshops on profitable alliance
relationships. In addition to serving as the president of Rigsbee Research
Consulting Group, Ed also serves as the executive director of a (501 c 3) public
non-profit charity. Ed has authored three books and over 1,500 articles
helping organizations to take full advantage of their potential. Contact
Ed, get additional (no charge) resources, and sign up for his
complimentary weekly Effective
Executive eLetter at www.Rigsbee.com.
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